TILTW: 5/24-6/1

* Sometimes, it really is best to just get outside and do something for a bit. Sunday's record hot day tried keeping me indoors but we went ahead and piled in the car to go visit my 88 year old grandmother for her birthday. And... we survived and we all had a really lovely day. Such a difference from Saturday where I barricaded myself in my room all day. :( When we got home, Lovie played with her new water table (photo) for a while. It was hard getting her to come in and eat dinner she was loving it so much.

* I went to my gynecologist on Tuesday and had a bit of a breakdown when describing to him the Monster I feel like I am for half of the month. We talked a lot about everything and he's pretty sure I have PMDD and prescribed Prozac. I pray the shit works. Time will tell.

* Lovie's been without a binky now for a week. My big girl. She still brings it up at bedtime but we just ignore it and she moves on and goes to bed. I think she sleeps more soundly since she doesn't have the pacifier to wake up to find. That said, I think she doesn't sleep as long but we'll find that out this weekend. We'll also see if we can get the little chica to take a nap as she all out refused all last weekend and when she's overtired, she's a bear.

* Today's my wedding anniversary. 5 years. We've been together for 12 so it seems way longer than that. Then again, it doesn't. Honestly, I can't believe he's put up with me for this long. And with that, today marks the start of a 6-day weekend for us. Holla!

Good Morning, Sunshine!

There’s a whole process to follow. A routine. And if I skip a beat of it, the whole day is a disaster.

My alarm sounds at 4:45 AM. Good thing I’m a morning person. Good thing I’m not one who needs to hit the snooze button seventeen hundred times before actually lifting my body up and putting my feet on the floor.

1. I go to the bathroom, shower, apply gel and hairspray to my hair and head out of the bathroom to open the door to Lovie’s room, shut off her sound machine, open the closet door so the light acting as night light brightens the room a bit.
2. I go into the kitchen, pour a sippy cup of milk and place it on the table, grab a couple pieces and bread and pop them in the toaster, and grab and water two eggs to medium boil.
3. As the eggs dance in the water and the bread crisps in the toaster oven, I head into the bathroom to apply some mascara, brush my teeth, apply some deodorant, apply more mascara, take my morning drugs (all legal- no worries), apply my under eye cream.
4. By then the toaster has dinged and the water is bubbling on the stove so I shut that off and rescue the eggs from the boiling hot water. Then I make my way into Lovie’s room.
5. If I’ve made enough noise, she’ll be awake but still lying there, ready for me to tickle her toes and turn my hand into a spider crawling on her arched back as she scrunches up into a ball trying to stifle the giggles.

While I need her to get up and be compliant that moment, I’ve learned that demands make it worse. I try to make it fun- a couple tickles, ask her what she wants to wear, kisses and hugs, raspberries on her tummy while getting her dressed as quickly as possible so that we can head back into the bathroom to brush teeth, wash face, do hair. (This is where the biggest struggle always comes. Every morning. I place her on the sink to brush her teeth and she has no interest. I try brushing and she slams her mouth shut, jerks her head from side to side. I try headlocking her and her arms block me from moving in with the brush. So I’ve succumbed to laying her ass on the floor and for some reason she lets me brush her teeth very easily then. No fuss. Whatever it takes.)

I take a wet wash cloth and wipe her face after brushing her teeth, and then it’s time for her hair. Since we don’t comb it when it’s dry and it’s always dry in the mornings, I just spray it with a frizz free tangle tamer and scrunch or throw it up into to ponytails if Princess Lovie will allow.

Then she grabs her milk off the kitchen table and heads into my bedroom to hop on the bed and watch TV for a few minutes with a snoring Daddy while I turn my eggs into a tinfoil wrapped sandwich (Lovie eats at school). Then I get dressed, get Lovie’s coat on, and by 6AM(ish) we’re heading for the door.

If I follow this routine, Lovie is pretty compliant (sans the damn toothbrushing). If I don’t follow this routine, Lovie’s a bear. She gets mean. She kicks. She says screams NO a lot. She cries.

So is she a morning person? Uh, if I’m gentle she is. Otherwise...NO. She’s a lot like her dad over there snoring in bed.

1.) Is your child a morning person? Share a story, picture or list of reasons that supports your opinion.

WW: 10 years in one file

inside that file holds the contents of my female parts for the past 10 years... the story of my issues with weight, heavy periods, birth control methods, 2 pregnancies, 1 miscarriage, 1 d&c, 1 birth, and a possible diagnosis of PMDD.

Sunshine

My dear sweet girl,

On this day, 2 years and 5 months ago, the greatest thing in the world happened... and it happened to me. You were born.

You fill my life with so much joy and happiness I never fully comprehended existed.

I thank the universe, daily, for letting me still be here to be witness to it all.

You truly are my sunshine, my only sunshine.


Today I'm seeking medical attention for the monster I am for two weeks out every month. I've always battled this monster but it wasn't until the past 6 months or so that things have become scarier and scarier. There are days when I don't even want to be around you and when I am, every little thing sets me off. I need help. And I pray that today I get that help.

For you, for me.

Yes, you are my sunshine, but even those bright rays can't help me up from the dark lately.

I love you more than words can ever say.

Broccoli Crunch Salad

 

originated from LowCarbFriends.com

I wish

... I could look this cool while sitting on my front stoop in 97 degree temperatures whilst nomming on a string cheese stick.

TILTW: 5/19-25

* Lovie is truly learning more and more every single day. I know this, but then there are moments when she really kinda sticks it to us with how vastly she's learning. Like the hashbrown/potatoes incident on Saturday. Or the ease in which she puts her ABC puzzle, which she hasn't touched in months, together. Or the way she totally understood that if she didn't stop screaming when we were in the car the other day (because I wouldn't let her hold the steaming hot personal pizza I got her for dinner), she wouldn't get to watch TV when we got home. (That last one really amazed me. I was tantruming right along with Lovie because she was so loud and then I took in a deep breath and said in a soft, calm voice "If you don't stop screaming, no TV when we get home." And she let out a quick whimper and that was all she wrote!)

* I've eaten low carb since Monday and am down 5 pounds. I didn't think I could do it again (I followed Atkins back in 2004-5 with immense success but then gained it all back and then some- which murdered my gusto at doing it ever again... or so I thought), but I've been struggling internally for a couple months now and I just had to do something. I tried Weight Watchers last year and lost 30 pounds but gained it all back, and eating low carb is so much easier for me than counting calories and figuring out what the points are to foods. Plus, because I have mild diabetes, it's best I stay away from all sugar and ... I just felt so fucking amazing, so alive when I was low carbing. And I so desperately want that feeling back because now I've got my Lovebug to share that energy with. Wish me luck. Please, wish me luck.

* Last night was a bit rough in the Finally household. We've been talking about Lovie giving the binky (pacifier) away for months, but since she only is allowed it at home and in bed, we haven't pushed it much. Yesterday morning, however, she woke and wanted to give her binky to a new baby at her school (a baby of one of her favorite teachers). We put it in a jewelry box and everything. She told daddy she was going to do this and held onto that box all the way to school, proudly telling me how she was going to give the binky to [Baby's name] and "she's going to be sooo happy, Mama."

When we got to school, I told Lovie that I would hold onto the binky until after school since the baby wasn't there yet and when I picked her up, we'd give the binky to the baby. She was cool with this. When I picked her up... the teacher and baby had just left. But Daddy and I decided to go through with it and we met at Target where Lovie spent more than one hour looking at all the toys. 

We left the store with a new toy cash register (which is pretty badass I must say) (the new toy is a reward for being a big girl and giving up the binky). When it was time for bed, Lovie wanted her binky (Rut Roh) and grandmabear. We told her she could have her grandmabear to snuggle, of course, but that the binky was gone because she's such a big girl. Our regular routine went out the window, of course. Lovie wanted her binky (and really, I don't blame her- poor thing).

It took about 45 minutes before she finally fell asleep- but it was done so without the binky. This morning, she woke insanely early and I'm sure it's because there was no binky to nom on and go back to sleep. :(  

I know she can sleep without it because she does it all the time at school and in the car... but it still hurts to see her hurt. I mean, she didn't just cry for it, she literally flopped around with arms flailing, back arched. We remained super calm and quiet and assured her she could do this and that we're super proud of her. I held her (as best as I could) and sang softly to her early on in that 45 minutes. She settled down for a couple minutes but then would get super worked up again. Like I said it took about 45 minutes from the time she was put in bed till she fell asleep. We'll see what this weekend brings, eh? It won't bring her a binky but hopefully it will get easier for her...

Bitches

I always loved school. So much so that it doesn't surprise me much that my very first memory involves walking out of preschool.

Some of the things I loved the most about school was school supply time (paper, pens, markers, pencils, rulers, oh my!), the structure and routine of going to school, and the way I always felt kind of special during the school year. Like I had somewhere to go, something to do.

 

Of course there were many a day when I didn’t want to get out of bed or hated a certain class or a teacher, but overall, I was a big time lover of school. I always got giddy the day before the new school year started and always slept like crap that first week from being too excited about it all. And really, I felt all of this through all my schooling- from Kindergarten to getting my Bachelor’s degree.

One thing I never really cared for, one thing I absolutely do not miss about school... the girls. So much so that I preferred to get pummeled by the boys than hang with the girls. Of course I had some schoolmate pals (couldn’t even really call them “friends”) who were girls, but for the most part girls always annoyed the shit out of me. The way they squeal and giggle and huddle together. The way they go to the bathroom together. The way they wear the same brand of clothing and have no mind of their own. Gross. College girls weren’t as annoying to me- at least not in my experience at a commuter art college (had there been sororities and all that bullshit, I’m sure I’d feel differently).

Early on in my school days, girls just kind of annoyed me. They were just too… girly to me. I enjoyed playing with the boys because they actually did shit other than sit around and talk about painting their nails or whatever it is girls do when they all huddle together on the playground.

In the later days of grammar school and all through high school, girls really started to get under my skin. It wasn’t so much about being too girly then as it was about being little fucking bitches. Yeah, think back… I know you know what I mean. Hell, maybe you were one of them! The darting eyes judging  you from your head to your toes. The whispers and giggles as you walked down the hall. The pointing, the laughing in your face and behind your back- but only done in groups of 2 or more, of course.

Blech.

 

It's because of my experience with girls during all of my school days that I never wanted a girl. Never never never.

 

 

 

And wouldn’t you know it? I have the girliest girl of all! And I love every bit of her and her girliness… but girlfriend best watch out if she ever turns into one those snobby ass bitches that judges and laughs at people who may be different than her.

5.) What about school do you miss the least?

WW: Saturday at the park

not really Mama or Lovie related. well maybe a little.

Last year I got a little personal and told the world (all 5 of you that read this) that I was FAT.

I yammered on about how morbidly fat I am, but how I don't let it define me. While this still holds true today, my grasp on not letting it define me is growing weaker and weaker.

I still absolutely refuse to reveal any of these issues to Lovie. (Just yesterday she wanted to go to the park after school but I had to pee badly so we stopped at a Wendy's. And, of course, once she realized we were in a place with burger and fries she wanted a burger and fries. And I got her some. Because she's TWO. Because eating this shit in moderation IS ABSOLUTELY OK! Even if it's fried. Even if it's not organic. She ate 3/4 of the burger and all her fries, downed her water and barely touched her mini Frosty. And when she was done, we went to the park where she ran around for an hour.)

But, I have GOT to make some changes. I cannot allow my size to define me and I feel myself slipping toward that.

I deserve more. SHE deserves more.

I guess this is more Mama and/or Lovie related than I thought.

Anyway, I'm hoping this confession helps me get back to where I was a year ago. Actually, I'm hoping this confession helps me get back to where I was six years ago before my grandfather passed away when I was at the smallest size I'd been in all my adult life.



Pouring my Heart Out and Linking up with Shell at Things I Can't Say.